My Grandmother Julia

I've waited a couple of days to write this post because I needed to get my thoughts in order. I am a Grey's Anatomy fan and usually cant' wait for Thursday night to come so I can watch it. I also Tivo it on the off chance that I won't be home. Well I was not home this past Thursday because I was having a really good time with Kris. Once I got home I decided to go ahead and watch it not realizing the whirlwind of emotion it was going to put me through. I realize it is just a TV show but one of the main characters' father passed away and it brought back not to distant memories. I have only shared some of those memories and once I had done that I thought I was over mourning the loss of my fathers' mother. I was wrong.

I received the call on Monday December 4th, 2006 that my grandmother, who had been in the hospital with what they perceived to be treatable pneumonia, was near death. I was taught at an early age to dislike this woman from my mother. My mother tolerated her and I followed suit. Even though I was taught that, I always felt that Grandma and I had a bond. Anyway I finished my day and expected that she would be gone before I got there (Indianapolis). My brother kept me updated and I realized that I might get to see her alive one last time.

I arrived at the hospital to find my father, brother and his girlfriend in the room watching TV. It was really surreal to me because when my mother was dying she was surrounded by family and regular life seemed to stop for just that moment. I gave my dad a hug and asked how things were going. Her heart and her breathing were on the monitor and I could see she was holding her own. My father had apparently been there all day and I just missed my step-mom and sister. Since I was there, my father decided to go take a nap. My brother sat on one side of the bed and I on the other watching this woman struggle for each breath. I recall telling my brother that if I ever got this bad to help me commit suicide. It's strange that we give our pets the dignity of dying in peace yet we let our human companions suffer so greatly.

Well, my father came back from his short nap and my brother finally left. My dad kept telling me to go but I felt I needed to be there. I was sure she was waiting for me to get there so she could die, I just expected it sooner than it happened. I'm a little fuzzy on times but I know my father went to take another nap so I sat there holding my grandmothers hand and told her it was okay to leave now to be with her son. The nurses came in to move here to her other side and as they did she opened her eyes and saw that I was there. Once they repositioned her I sat back down by her side and held her hand. I felt her grip tighten ever so slightly around my hand.

I'm not going to go into details of her death but the thing that struck me most is my father. Like I said her breathing and heart were being monitored so we could see every breath and every beat. She finally stopped breathing. I watched my father pat her as if to wake her with his eyes on the monitor. You could see that she had stopped breathing but the hear was still active. I wish the nurses could have just come in and turned the monitor off and pronouce her but they weren't allowed. I was sure she was gone but I went to the nurse because I too could see the evidence of heart activity. He stated that it was just the electrical activity but that she was gone. I had to tell my father she was gone because he just kept watching that monitor and patting his mother on the shoulder.

It was very odd for me and my father to be the only family in the room when she died. She had a husband (my step grandfather) whom my father called to tell him his wife had died. Again another surreal moment. How can you not be there when someone you were married to for over 40 years was dying?

The emotions of that day came pouring out Thursday night. Actually the emotions of that week. When we finally buried her, she went to the same cemtery as my mother. She was buried next to her dead first husband with his name near where her son was buried. I went to my mothers grave after the service and yelled at her for making this woman out to be a monster. I don't have a lot of regrets in my life but the biggest one so far is not growing that bond with Julia.