Surprise

Wow has it been a crazy week! Alan is out of town this week so I thought I would just pick up the house a little and maybe make some cards but that didn't happen. I took Monday night and just zoned out all night, Tuesday I picked up a little and figured I would just finish Wednesday after work and then start on some cards. Well that didn't work at all. My brother called me Wednesday afternoon with a surprise! He's coming up this weekend with his girlfriend AND the kids. Now I love to see my family (especially since most of their cars don't travel north)but this last minute thing is killing me. It wouldn't be so bad except that the allergies this year are horrible and my head hurts so bad by the time I get home from work that I can't even see straight. I can't tell my brother no because I've been asking for him to come up with the kids all summer but more than three days notice would have been nice. So I took the day off today to find the bedrooms they are going to be sleeping in and clean the rest of the house. Not my first choice of things to do on a Friday off of work and it would have been nice not to do this alone but travel is part of Alan's job and without his job I wouldn't have this house to clean. So I guess I will just suck it up and do the best I can. Craig knows I haven't been feeling well and he is family after all so whatever condition the house is in will be fine.

Now all I have to do is talk him out of going downtown. He wants to take the kids downtown because they've never seen Chicago and the last time his girlfriend was here she was in High School. He wants to see things downtown like the Mag Mile and the Navy Pier but then he also would like the kids to take the train. I tried to explain to him that those two things don't work hand in hand. If we take the train there is a lot of walking involved (too much if you ask me). If we drive, we have to take separate vehicles, pay to park and pay for anything the kids want to do or eat. Now my brother does not have a lot of money now that he is supporting his out of work girlfriend and paying child support. That being said I don't know what to do with them. I don't want to go downtown and Alan has already said that if we go, he's not going. I wouldn't mind if they just drove downtown and looked around but he said the kids kind of have their hearts set on a train ride. I just don't know what to do. I guess I will figure it out before tomorrow morning.

On a different note...I'm stil unsure about the scrap store. I really haven't talked to the owner, just my friend Cheryl (the manager). I guess that will have to wait until this weekend is over. I will let you know how it goes!

I must be getting OLD!

Well, I went to work at the scrap book store for the first time today and I have to say...I must be getting old. Apparently I'm not as tolerant in my old age as I used to be. I don't know how long I will last there because I'm not sure I can stand to work there after today. Sad but true. I enjoy the people and the atmosphere (kind of) but I realized today the owner puts unrealistic expectations on her employees. She is great at running an online business but I think she has a lot to learn when it comes to day to day operations at a brick and mortar store. My friend Cheryl is the manager and she is a really great person and definitely a trooper but she is apparently cut out for retail and I am not...I knew there was a reason I didn't go back into retail after college!

Anyway...I will probably continue to go and crop there every once in a while but I think my working days are over...it was just going to be too much work!

I'm Back

Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted anything. Since my last post, my friend found out that she does not have Devic's disease so that is a relief but it still begs the question...what would you do? But I don't want to be too heavy on my first post in almost 4 months.

It's been a busy summer. We've gone to a couple of races, spent some time with family and celebrated Erin's baby dedication and first birthday. She is getting so big and she is so smart for her age. She is just talking up a storm. I'm going to hate to see her cell phone bill when she gets older! It's so amazing to watch her take everything in and learn so quickly. Every day brings something new. We only get to see her a couple of times a week and each time we see her she is so different. I wish sometimes that she would just stop growing but I know that won't happen...but I can wish for it anyway!

I've learned something this summer...no matter how tired I am of taking medication...NEVER stop cold turkey. I didn't realize what stopping a simple anti-depressant cold turkey could do to my body and my mind. I thought I was getting really ill and it was starting to scare me. I went to the Dr. and she did tests and everything came back negative. I kept looking things up on the Internet and it finally hit me one day to look up symptoms of withdrawal from my anti-depressant. BINGO! I started back on my meds and with in one week people could tell a difference in me. I could tell the difference in days. While I hate having to take any kind of medication, I have learned that at least for the anti-depressant I will wean myself off with a doctors help.

I have found a new passion this summer as well...sorta. I like to make cards and knew that card making and scrap booking went hand in hand but I always told myself I would never get into scrap booking because those people are crazy. Well, call me crazy. I did a few pages for my dad for fathers day and I was hooked. My husband commented on how long it took to make just one page but it was the most relaxing thing I did. I am no pro by any means but I do like to do it and I have met some amazing people at the new scrap store that opened up close to my home. In fact, I was just offered a job at that store tonight and I'm accepting the position. What better way to support my habit and learn from the pros!

Anyway...that's been my summer. It's been crazy and a little frightening at times but I'm ready for fall, pumpkins and apple orchards!

What would you do?

We all have our crosses to bear. Some of us have money troubles, some have marriage problems and some have health issues. We all know someone close to us who is having some kind of trouble in some aspect of their lives. I have arthritis in my right hand, Alan has kidney stones, Kris is diabetic, Trish has health problems, Kim has problems making ends meet...and the list goes on and on. Now we all see these as MAJOR problems in our lives but what if we were told one day that we had a terrible disease and would be lucky to live for five more years. What would you do?

That is a question a co-worker and his family have to find an answer. His wife was just diagnosed with a very aggresive form of MS called Devic's Disease. This can cause blindness, paralysis and death. This is a young couple in their early 30's with two children aged 2 and 1. Can you imagine knowing you will not grow old with your spouse or even live to see your children graduate grade school let alone high school and college. You will never see your children get married or meet your grandchildren.

What if this was your spouse or child or parent or sibling? What would you do? What would any of us do? We would go through rage, denial, grief and finally acceptance but what would we do with the time we have left. Now remember, five years isn't guaranteed. This disease is very progressive.

I want each of you who reads this to think about your life and what you would change if this were you and your family. What is meaningful to you, what is meanial. What do we worry about everyday or get angry about for no reason. How would you change your life.

We're all going to die but what if you knew when? What would you do?

I have been reminded lately that I am not keeping up with my blogging once a month. Well, February and March were not the greatest months. My Maternal Grandmother died February 27th and because my brother and I are the only living relatives, we had to make the arrangements for the burial and funeral and then we had a limited amount of time to clean out her apartment. The cleaning was not an easy task because we believe she had Alzheimer's and one of the symptoms is being a pack rat. She had hundreds of paperback romance novels everywhere. What you have to understand is her apartment is generally the size of my kitchen, dining area and family room. There were books everywhere. There were also notes everywhere. It was a difficult time but it was made much easier by my best friend in the whole wide world, Lori. I don't think we could have gotten through everything without her, her husband George and her son, Zack. I'm still trying to figure out a way to thank her for what she did for us.

Of course we weren't home but maybe a week and a half from that ordeal when Alan had to go to the emergency room. We thought it would be the normal thing (he has kidney stones). We would go in, they would take and x-ray or do a CAT Scan, give him pain meds and a bag and a half of IV fluids and then send him on his way to manage any residual pain at home. You have to under stand the man has had kidney stones since he was eighteen. He will pass a stone about every three months and then go to the emergency room about once a year. This was supposed to be no big deal. Well, apparently life cannot be that easy. When they did the CAT Scan they saw two stones in between the kidney and the bladder. For those of you who have never had a kidney stone...this is when they are the most painful. We were in the hospital that day from around 7 am to 7 pm. He did fine until the next day around 2pm when I had to take him back to the emergency room. I won't go into the details but he was in the hospital for 5 days...on the 4th day they decided to do surgery to go get the stone he did not pass (he passed one 15 min before surgery). When I say surgery, there is no incision!

Of course while he was in the hospital, I ended up spending the night for two nights and I got sick. I am still suffering after 1 Z-pack and 3 weeks but I am slowly getting better.

Hence the reason I have not blogged to a couple of months.

I am really terrible at keeping up with the whole blogging thing. It's very hard to come home and turn the computer on when I sit in front of one for 8 hours a day. Anyway I just wanted to say how thankful I am to God for just a few things. I am thankful to God for giving me friends who are there in my darkest hours (thank you Kris). I am most thankful for the merciful God who took my grandmother while she was sleeping last night.

As we looked through pictures this evening getting me ready for my trip to Indiana to say goodbye to Nano all I could think of was after all her suffering in life she was given a peaceful ending. My grandmother was born in 1918 during WWI and I realized that she has seen Korea, Vietnam, WWII, Iraq and every other conflict we could find ourselves in. She lost the love of her life to cancer in 1952 and then lost her only daughter to the same cancer that killed her husband in 1988. She mourned her husband until the day her daughter died and she mourned her daughter until the day she died. She loved her family more than anything but could never get over the loss of her husband or daughter. She never learned how to drive, always kept left overs and never squandered anything. She loved Bingo and playing with all of her friends. She loved her grandkids and her great grand kids beyond words. She was Serbian Orthodox and a firm believer in God even after everything that happened to her. I admire her for that. I lost my faith the day my mother died.

I am very thankful for the fact that I did not have to watch her die but hate that she died alone. She is at peace now and is surely in heaven reunited with her husband and daughter.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,I am not there, I do not sleep.I am a thousand winds that blow.I am the diamond glint on snow.I am the sunlight on ripened grain.I am the gentle autumn rain.When you wake in the morning hush,I am the swift, uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circling flight.I am the soft starlight at night.Do not stand at my grave and weep.I am not there, I do not sleep.(Do not stand at my grave and cry.I am not there, I did not die!Mary Frye (1932)

Wow, I get in the computer every day and read the news, check out my Yahoo groups and read Kris' blog but I just realized that it has been over two weeks since I have blogged. I usually don't get into the computer during the week because I sit in front of the computer at work for 8 hours a day but tonight is different. I guess I am just looking for comfort where I can find it. My husband is still at work preparing to be out of town for two weeks straight. I came home to find the usual message on the phone because we can't seem to keep up with our bills but this one just really bothered me. Usually when I'm this bothered, I will pull out my Bible and just let it fall open. What I read on those pages always seems to fit my situation and gives me comfort. Well, I recently bought a new Bible and wasn't really thinking when I did so. This Bible has a soft cover so when I hold it up on end, it doesn't open it just falls over. :-( I guess new isn't always better.

This picture epitomizes how we both felt at the end of this week. It was a very tiring week for both of us. Alan taught all week and that along with an hour long commute each way always makes him tired. I decided to finally start Cinch this week (if you don't know what that is, ask me) what I didn't bargain on was being lactose intolerant. I have been bloated and miserable for most of the week and then to top it all off had a migraine on Friday which took me out of work. But the good thing is, once the bloating went down I found that I lost 2 inches, yea! We're still pretty tired today but I'm looking forward to my inlaws coming over so we can spend time with Erin.

My Grandmother Julia

I've waited a couple of days to write this post because I needed to get my thoughts in order. I am a Grey's Anatomy fan and usually cant' wait for Thursday night to come so I can watch it. I also Tivo it on the off chance that I won't be home. Well I was not home this past Thursday because I was having a really good time with Kris. Once I got home I decided to go ahead and watch it not realizing the whirlwind of emotion it was going to put me through. I realize it is just a TV show but one of the main characters' father passed away and it brought back not to distant memories. I have only shared some of those memories and once I had done that I thought I was over mourning the loss of my fathers' mother. I was wrong.

I received the call on Monday December 4th, 2006 that my grandmother, who had been in the hospital with what they perceived to be treatable pneumonia, was near death. I was taught at an early age to dislike this woman from my mother. My mother tolerated her and I followed suit. Even though I was taught that, I always felt that Grandma and I had a bond. Anyway I finished my day and expected that she would be gone before I got there (Indianapolis). My brother kept me updated and I realized that I might get to see her alive one last time.

I arrived at the hospital to find my father, brother and his girlfriend in the room watching TV. It was really surreal to me because when my mother was dying she was surrounded by family and regular life seemed to stop for just that moment. I gave my dad a hug and asked how things were going. Her heart and her breathing were on the monitor and I could see she was holding her own. My father had apparently been there all day and I just missed my step-mom and sister. Since I was there, my father decided to go take a nap. My brother sat on one side of the bed and I on the other watching this woman struggle for each breath. I recall telling my brother that if I ever got this bad to help me commit suicide. It's strange that we give our pets the dignity of dying in peace yet we let our human companions suffer so greatly.

Well, my father came back from his short nap and my brother finally left. My dad kept telling me to go but I felt I needed to be there. I was sure she was waiting for me to get there so she could die, I just expected it sooner than it happened. I'm a little fuzzy on times but I know my father went to take another nap so I sat there holding my grandmothers hand and told her it was okay to leave now to be with her son. The nurses came in to move here to her other side and as they did she opened her eyes and saw that I was there. Once they repositioned her I sat back down by her side and held her hand. I felt her grip tighten ever so slightly around my hand.

I'm not going to go into details of her death but the thing that struck me most is my father. Like I said her breathing and heart were being monitored so we could see every breath and every beat. She finally stopped breathing. I watched my father pat her as if to wake her with his eyes on the monitor. You could see that she had stopped breathing but the hear was still active. I wish the nurses could have just come in and turned the monitor off and pronouce her but they weren't allowed. I was sure she was gone but I went to the nurse because I too could see the evidence of heart activity. He stated that it was just the electrical activity but that she was gone. I had to tell my father she was gone because he just kept watching that monitor and patting his mother on the shoulder.

It was very odd for me and my father to be the only family in the room when she died. She had a husband (my step grandfather) whom my father called to tell him his wife had died. Again another surreal moment. How can you not be there when someone you were married to for over 40 years was dying?

The emotions of that day came pouring out Thursday night. Actually the emotions of that week. When we finally buried her, she went to the same cemtery as my mother. She was buried next to her dead first husband with his name near where her son was buried. I went to my mothers grave after the service and yelled at her for making this woman out to be a monster. I don't have a lot of regrets in my life but the biggest one so far is not growing that bond with Julia.

Thankful

I just want any one who reads this to know that I am very thankful for my friend Kris. She is the type of friend you can just drop by on and she will feed you, give you words of comfort or just listen. There are a lot of times in my life where I have questioned the existence of God but I know that He is the only one who can bring someone like that into my life. She has been there through the best of times (not a lot) and the very worst of times (there have been many) and she has been my rock. I know she is probably the only one that reads my blog right now and she is probably blushing and crying at the same time but I just needed to put it down in words. God sent Kris to me and I will be forever greatful.

Well, I think you've waited long enough. You've seen my monster Ginger, now here is my sweetheart Maggie.

She's my baby!

I'm soooo Blue

My First Blog

Well I can't believe this is my first blog. I had a
plan of what I was going to say but I woke up sick
and can't think straight. So I decided to let you see a picture of my favorite orange cat, Ginger. When I get a picture on my computer of my favorite black and white cat, Maggie, I will post her picture. Maggie and Ginger are my children, my ONLY children and they can be just as bad as the human ones. This one is my monster!